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My life I guess Anonymous 03/10/11(Thu)22:07 No. 2194 [Edit]

I guess I'm going to rant now. I'm sorry if this is jumbled or if I repeat myself. I think there's something fundamentally wrong with me. I've been thinking maybe I block out things I can't deal with, and I sometimes block out things I can't understand in conversation. I don't know how to solve or deal with in social situations. Butmaybe it's because I am high and 7 days into taking depression medication. Had therapy today for that matter. Combination of therapy and medication is supposed to help me get out of my basement and do something with myself. Also improve my social and relationship building skills. The pills have been sort of starting to kick in so far (I think) I feel happier, and more confident, and that I was getting to close to the lets go outside and get a job/learn a new skill but I feel like maybe I'm just deluding myself. If I try to understand something like university school work or try to complete something I lose my focus and concentration. I think I literally can't do those things (maybe not right now atleast). I made a lot of friends, and people liked me, but something about me will sabotage all my friendships. I sort of... change? I've been doing reflection on myself and I think that the reason I don't talk to my friends much is because I don't do anything with myself, and I quickly run out of things to talk about. I also don't really know how to build friendships and relationships all that much, being a basement dweller and all. I think it's that I just don't do much with myself. Aside from things that are easy. I guess that would be the ideology behind what my life is. Easyness and apathy inspired sometime around the time I thought the words "If I'm just going to kill myself then why should I care what I do". I guess I should stop smoking pot. Or maybe limit it. I just bought a couple joints worth so maybe I'll stop after. I just heard my dad confiding in my mom about how much I smelled like smoke. Just the way he was talking, I think I hate him a bit. I hate my mom too. But I love them both. They do a lot for me, and I completely realize that I am very fortunate to have grown up in a good home. I don't really show my love much though, granted. I tend to hate people that have that sort of quality that I can't put my finger on or describe with words. My mom and dad both have it, this 22 year old that I had sex with off of craigslist (anybody remember my thread from before the posts were wiped?) eventually developed it too. I see the quality among people I interact with, but none come to mind at the moment.

I'm also starting to believe there is a reason for everything. I think I know that the idea is silly. But really I don't (think I do).
The skill I want to learn is how to use Ableton to make electronic music. I've been sort of getting prepared for this skill. I've downloaded ableton live 8, I've had tutorial videos on youtube on my sort of "backburner" on my computer (kept a bunch of windows open from time to time that I might be interested in, download links for new music, an interesting article that I skimmed through, deemed interested but that I ultimately probably won't read. Ever since I dropped out of university I've just been at home playing Xbox, marathoning anime and hanging out with friends when I could. Seeing friends was good, more on this later. Also started seeing a therapist, yadda yadda medication. I almost forgot about all the hours of self loathing I did. And the fact that I have been essentially watching facebook like a hawk communicating with the friends I left behind. It's spurred a sort of panic in me to associate more with my friends here at home. Which I guess is a good thing, with the way things were going (I think) though I'm not sure how successful it's going to be. I think maybe I have some lasting friendships (counting off the top of my head I'd say 4 or 5, (or maybe 3.. or maybe 6 or 7) maybe with with some aquaintances). Oh right by the way. There's this girl who I think might be interested in a relationship at my former university, or atleast good friends, though our friendship only started through mutual friends and through facebook. We've been talking about things, and I've just been being myself through the comfortable means of typing. We've been sharing music and talking about random stuff. She says she likes my music, which is pretty cool. I don't get the chance to share my music much. Oh right I forgot one of the other things that I do is search on the internet for awesome music. But more about the girl (haha). We've been really honest sbout everything with each other and I (think I) heard her say that I was "gorgeous" when I was dating her friend. Now before you go jumping off the band wagon let me explain. Her friend is also very honest, and they are both wonderful people. Everybody (that I managed to not alienate with my ridiculously bad people skills, aka my friends) at unviersity was wonderful actually (but I think everybody was a good person at heart.. I could sort of see the goodness in basically everyone I saw). People that I wanted to be with for years to come. Anyway, her friend (lets call her) M somehow managed to sort of enter my life through some persistence. Also a little help from not looking horribley awkward anymore (which was most of high school and before) I guess first I should talk about the sort of person that I was, and the lifestyle differences between home and university. Also a bit about what went wrong, I guess. Since I exuded some sort of attractive charisma and get them all to be my friend (and give me a nickname, we (or maybe it's only me? (haha)) joke that I'm a folk legend). They'd try to get me to come to parties, which I did for a little while, but eventually I started withdrawing more and more until finally during the last week or so that I was at university before dropping out I pretty much completely withdrew pretty much. I only saw one friend who really wanted me to stay, and said he would help me through whatever I was going through and my problems. He would text me and have dinner with me frequently. Oh also I started withdrawing from group talking gradually until the last week when I almost literally ran from having to talk to groups. At university I embarassed absolute shit out of myself through disgustingly shameful socially awkward behaviour. Even when I was that cool awesome guy to them I still had awkward moments. But they appreciated me anyway. It was bad stuff that is able to make me cringe and shout out loud to myself something like "Fuck!" or feel shitty or give me this bad feeling in my chest. I make jokes that have a cruel stance about my situation, myself and my abilities. I chuckle a little most of the time. I just think something along the lines of "typical david. you little shit" Oh right by the way , 18/m, name is david. I wonder more and more towards the end exactly how visible my flaws were, to the people who I associate with and are close to me. Are these people pitying me? Do they only associate with me because they know I will be lonely and are willing to forgive something that can't be forgiven? What I mean by can't be forgiven is that I have to change or else I will eventually fail and lose touch, probably ending on a bad note. After my awkward moments I can see the (sympathetic?) pain in their eyes and expression. Can they see my horrible inability to interact with people and maintain friendship? The reason I think most of these problems involving friendship and such occur because I have no life and don't do anything with myself. So conversation stagnates, no new material coming in, little common interests. I need to grow up in order to solve my problems, to get out into the world and find happiness. Can't win if I can't bring myself to try.
Anyway, so this girl M enters my life because I guess she finds my jokes funny and wants to get to know me. We talked on the facebook first over the break between first semester and second, and decided to give each other a gift. I woulf make her a mix cd and she would draw me and give me sort of stats like "signature move". Also she put (my nick name) aka the pretty boy. Eventually we started hanging out (she was pretty much initiating the whole thing, and though I did like her I didn't for various reasons, mostly having to do with a lack of faith in myself) and after talking and watching a couple movies a few nights she said she really liked me and wanted to date. So I said I liked her too and that I would love to. I guess I'll give the shorter version. Dated for about 4 or 5 days, she broke up with me because she was too stressed out. Also I was sort of making her stressed out, but that story isn't really important. Anyway, so fair enough, she had a lot of things going on, completely reasonable. She mentionned that she would like to talk to me after stress has been handled. Our friendship sort of declined a bit I guess, I wanted a little space and I guess everything was okay. So her stress came to be handled, and we got to talking. It became pretty clear to me that she probably didn't want to get back together. We talked about it and to summarize and simplify the reason, she said that I hated myself too much. She was right but she doesn't really know the entire situation. We hadn't known each other for very long. Still, maybe it's obvious. I'd describe that relationship as short and sweet. It was from her that I started learning from her. Mainly because the only way I could get words out was to speak my honest mind. Ah well. So anyway, while dating M, I met the girl (lets call her B) that I talk to on facebook now. We're just really honest with each other and I really like her. Though I am reasonabley skeptical of my feelings being returned. I'm pretty sure there's a chance. We got to talking about solitude, and I mentionned I take midnight and later walks to be alone and relfect on things. She said she wanted to come on one of my walks. I didn't directly address it, but replied to other things that were going on, but I made sure to sound interested as well. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too, I guess. Hope I'm using that expression right. I think new time I talk to her I'll mention that I wouldn't mind some company on a walk.

I had developed a twitch for awhile when I was here. I think it had something to do with being around my family. I don't really do a good job of hiding my dislike for them anymore. Heh, I guess I'm an asshole.

Anyway I guess that's all for now. That felt nice.

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>>	Anonymous 03/10/11(Thu)22:25 No. 2195 [Edit] holy shit

>>	Anonymous 03/10/11(Thu)22:31 No. 2196 [Edit] >facebook

>>	hamish!ZYIggdNQgg 03/10/11(Thu)22:34 No. 2197 [Edit] >facebook

>>	Popo!59.2//u/7M 03/10/11(Thu)23:08 No. 2200 [Edit] File 12998272864.png - (89.84KB , 290x290 , f-word.png ) Awww, shit. He said the f-word. We are legion rofl XD!!1

>>	Anonymous 03/10/11(Thu)23:20 No. 2201 [Edit] >>2200 Oh Popo, you were doing so well lately too

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Popo!59.2//u/7M 03/10/11(Thu)23:42 No. 2202 [Edit] >>2201 I like how we often preach about getting along and taking it easy, but only so long as it falls under our comfort zone. Remember when we weren't supposed to derail threads with pointless hate? I do, but someone removed that rule. A mod could have easily just deleted the thread for 3DPD/relationship discussion and given a warning. The users could have just kept silent and reported the thread. You can single out my behavior if you want. I don't think you're looking at the right issue though.

>>	hamish!ZYIggdNQgg 03/10/11(Thu)23:47 No. 2203 [Edit] deleting the thread straight away would be unfair to the OP. Leaving it here so he can see the users reactions is probably the most effective form of moderation for the time being.

>>	Wild Western Waifu 03/10/11(Thu)23:49 No. 2204 [Edit] >>2202 the OP is way too fucking long but i agree with popo, i came here only to be too afraid to post out of fear of ridicule, meanwhile you boast about being a haven. You are no better than that which you despise. or...whatever...

>>	Anonymous 03/11/11(Fri)00:12 No. 2205 [Edit] pressured writing

>>	giascle 03/11/11(Fri)00:56 No. 2207 [Edit] I just kind of skimmed this but I noticed you want to make electronic music; I can actually help with that in the music thread. Anything else... iunno >>/cr/5

>>	Anonymous 03/11/11(Fri)02:37 No. 2208 [Edit] Did you just want to vent, OP

>>	Anonymous 03/11/11(Fri)10:11 No. 2213 [Edit] >>2202 >>2204 You aren't going to guilt trip me into tolerating people who "talk to chicks on facebook" here, sorry.

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Anonymous 03/11/11(Fri)13:23 No. 2214 [Edit] OP here I guess this was the wrong place to post this sort of rant. Because none of you know really what sort of person I am. You can't know, merely from what I've written here. Though I think I will end up alone with no one. I guess I misunderstood what sort of a place this was. I thought this was a place where those with social problems or problems of a certain nature could post and people would try to understand them. Stupid, I know. Anyway, You can delete my thread or whatever. I'm gonna post elsewhere.

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Anonymous 03/11/11(Fri)17:42 No. 2215 [Edit] >>2214 You have to admit that it was a bit difficult to read; it was merely a rant and there wasn't much for us to discuss, regardless of whether we can relate. Anyway, I think you should stay here and lurk for a while so you can get the "feel" of the board. And despite the reactions in this thread, venting probably made you feel better. Trying to explain something to someone is also a great way of detecting flaws in your logic.

>>	Anonymous 03/11/11(Fri)22:08 No. 2218 [Edit] >faceboook OP, I don't think this is the site for you.

>>	Anonymous 03/11/11(Fri)22:22 No. 2219 [Edit] >>2218 I use facebook. The people who are on my friends list are all colleagues and it is useful to contact them using it.

>>	Anonymous 03/11/11(Fri)23:12 No. 2221 [Edit] File 129991396065.jpg - (45.19KB , 600x600 , vomit.jpg ) > I had sex

>>	Anonymous 03/11/11(Fri)23:30 No. 2222 [Edit] >>2214 you could always try /r9k/, I think they deal more in this kind of social problems.

>>	Anonymous 03/11/11(Fri)23:31 No. 2223 [Edit] >>2203 Since he said he's leaving I think it's time

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Anonymous 03/11/11(Fri)23:38 No. 2224 [Edit] From a quick read of such a wall of text, the problem, OP, seems to be that you're still attention-whoring way too much, and not really paying attention to this community prerogatives. Even if you honestly feel ronery and have issues, this sort of post belongs much more to a LJ or a blog. The fact you even provide your name (fake or not), is for me even more disconcerting than your constant mentioning of FB and social life mundane (attempts of) adventures. So take a breath... and try again (later). >>2219 There are plenty other ways to communicate academically; you don't really need to use that scumbag place for anything worthy; or at least I myself wouldn't do it, since I simply can't stand to even step in there no more.

>>	Anonymous 03/11/11(Fri)23:51 No. 2225 [Edit] >>2222 /r9k/ doesn't exist anymore. Its spiritual descendant are two new boards, /adv/ (advice) and /soc/ (social). 4chan is horrible for advice nowadays, so I instead suggest he go to 4-ch's personal issues board: http://4-ch.net/personal/