|
>>
|
No. 12650
[Edit]
>>12648
>Now I'm waiting for my parents to die so I can find out what it's like to have absolutely no human interaction for months at a time.
No you don't. I proved Wittgenstein true, and Sartre false as shit. "Hell is yourself." I spent 2 months in a state of severe dissociation. Was also very suicidal - I'd sit for hours planning my own death. I didn't even have Internet. Just me, video games, books, music, and food. For a little over 60 days.
After the first month, my mind just snapped, and I began talking to myself in my head. That was also when I began my fantasizing habit. All of the things I had to entertain myself with really bored me at the beginning of the second month. I had beaten Persona 3 and 4 (which are the longest games I own), read all of my books, listened to every single album in the house, twice over, even the ones I didn't like. I ended up feeling so bored, I wanted to die. That's just a weird moment in a person's life. When life becomes so monotonous that they want it to end. At first it was kind of fun, because I'd eat dinner with my parents, and go back to my room after 5-20 minutes of [strained] social interaction. That shit kept me grounded. Seeing their faces made me realize that this was indeed real, not some fucked-up dream. And then I messed up my sleep schedule, and stopped being able to see them, only being able to feel their presence. They became ghosts, sort of. And I was definitely a ghost to them. Or some kind of insect...They definitely heard me creeping downstairs every night for food or to go to the bathroom - that "half-human" they know exists, but never encounter. The thing hiding in the room that's always closed. It started to make me feel really gross and weird. It's starting to freak me out just thinking about that, haha. I still behave sort of the same, but they definitely see more of me.
Then I just began to get severely messed-up, emotionally. This was in the beginning of the second month. I concluded that all I am is "a brain in a dude", and that only succeeded in depressing the shit out of me. It's something everyone knows (whether consciously or unconsciously) but should not be acknowledged too often. Depersonalization. Occasionally, I felt my thoughts begin and end simultaneously (which from what I understand, can happen on doses of LSD). That was really unusual. It was like lighting a lighter in a really windy tunnel. You'd light it, the wind would extinguish it before it fully grew.
Time just...stopped being relevant. I'd look at the clock, and it'd feel like I had been sitting there all day, when only two hours or so passed by. I'm fairly certain I experienced "ego death," too. It was really strange. See, I was laying in bed, thinking about dying, like usual, when my thoughts began skipping like a scratched CD for around a half an hour, before stopping completely. It was then that I had a vision of my mother discovering my dead body. How I'd feel, smell, and look. What their reactions would be. How tragic that situation would be (which is the only word I can really use to describe it - I was curled up under my blanket like a fetus). I felt life leave my body. Words can't even really describe how I felt about that on an emotional level. It was just pure...weirdness. I thought you needed dissociative drugs to do that to yourself. I was wrong. I'm sure the drugs make it more desirable/appealing, though, because that was scary as shit. But it might have just been a severe dissociative episode or something, not ego death, which some people view as a beautiful, desirable thing.
Anyway, after that happened, I concluded that I really did die, and that I was then in hell. Hell is...repetition. Hell is watching the same episodes of Seinfeld over and over again like an invalid. Hell is the worst thing you can inflict on yourself. I'm quite honestly surprised I didn't go through with my intent to kill myself. I had nightmares about finding a gun in the house almost every few days. To this day, I still have no clue what kept me going. Stubbornness? Hope? Sheer apathy? It was the most dark, scary time of my life, and it's honestly a little hard to talk about it, but I feel like I had to get this out, y'know? Sorry for the depressing wall of text, though.
Now I have the internet, though, and I get out on at least a monthly basis. I sometimes get vibes of dissociation/depersonalization, but it's nothing major like before. It sometimes hits me whenever I realize my life revolves around a computer screen. I feel like I'm never going to be "normal" (don't tar and feather me~ I can't think of a better term!). I doubt that I'll ever even feel like I did before all of that, though, and that makes me really kind of sad...
I'm not trying to single out >>12648, by the way (please, please, please don't blame yourself for this post). This is basically my warning to all of the Brohnos who have a chance of ending up like I did for that small span of time: Go out. Talk to people. It's so much more healthy. Even if you're screaming at them about how much you hate them like a retard, it's better than just sitting on the computer all day and it's definitely better than abandoning humanity in general. People suck, yeah. But there are some okay people, too. Find those people you can stand, and hold onto them, because it's worth it. I'm not saying, like..."REPENT OF YOUR SINS AND BE CLEANSED IN THE LIGHT OF OUR Ford Driver SAVIORS OR EXPERIENCE HELL LIKE NONE OTHER" (please read that in a highly evangelical preacher's voice). It's just that a little social interaction won't hurt, y'know? Even if it's your parents or your 5 year old brother or your best friend or that weird dude with coke bottle glasses who lives down the hall and might be a hikki, too. Talk to people. Hear their voice. You don't even have to make eye contact. Just feel another sentient consciousness interacting with yours. The internet just messes with me because my entire existence basically revolves around it at this point. You might be different. The internet might be enough.
I mean...maybe there has been someone who's had a far better experience with complete lack of social interaction than me. But that's just my own personal tale. Take it as you will~
And again, sorry for like...depressing the shit out of all of you. I just don't want anyone to go through what I went through.
This was also the longest post on Tohno-chan I wrote without the aid of stimulants. Being on my PSP makes me have a very limited amount of text, so I have a lot to say whenever I get onto a legitimate PC lately.
Also, just so this is on topic, I'll um...add even more: this was the single event that taught me to change. This was...when I realized that the idea that I'm completely wasting my life got to me very much. Now I really want to get out of the NEET lifestyle. I never want to go back to that dark place again. It scares me to think of my parents dying, so I'd really like to be as self-sufficient as is possible for a druggie drop-out NEET, as soon as possible.
ごめんなさい
|