Oh! Oh! I do!

Yes.

A lot

No Im a proud mancjild

Too many things.

I never seem to regret the things people think I should.

Oh yes, I regret my entire being. I want to kill my much younger childhood self. I was such a near mentally retarded tool, that I cringe just looking at pictures of myself when I was younger. I was heavily mentally ill when I was young and as a result I didn't even actually start living my own life and waking up in highschool. But by that first year of highschool it was too late for me, I couldn't enjoy the company of other people for the most part, I was too busy thinking about what I could have had younger if I wasn't so brain dead, and so here I am now deep in my own unsatisfiable sickness without anywhere to turn as I only get older and fucked over with depression over my own desires.

Are we continuing that little discussion from the Chuunibyou thread?

I remember thinking I was some kind of wizard in middle school and early high school. I would draw little sigils in my notebook and look up spells online to cast. When I met someone I didn't like, I assumed him to be my destined enemy who had powers equal in strength to mine. The one or two "friends" I had were my allies who have yet to realize their powers. I mostly kept all my delusions to myself since my friends had closer friends and didn't care much about me.

There were a bunch of other weird kids like this in my school, only difference is that they were all friends and got to be retarded together. They would never let me join them for some reason.

Post edited on 23rd Oct 2012, 4:21pm

I regret everything.

Oh yes. I can't forget those times. Do YOU remember anon?
Do you remember back when the dream was not yet dead? When the world trembled in our grasp?
We were promised a kingdom and cathedrals made of light, where the last king would go to sleep.
It would last a 1000 years, but all we got were ashes.
Oh, the fire in his eyes...
Sorry, I just can't help it, I still get a chill when I remember the triumph of the will.
If I had to do it all over again I would change every single fucking thing

>>12285
Please don't make me remember... you bastard

every now and then I get the occasional memory popping up.
Haruhi I used to cry a lot as a kid, like seriously, I cried all the damn time for the littlest things.
like the time I cryed my eyes out the time our class had a poll on everyone's favorite things, and nothing I voted for ended up on the list, I didn't even understand the concept of voting at the time.

>>12283
That's really funny story.


During middle school I used be huge rap/hiphop fan. I weared those stupid looking big clothes and talked in stupid way. It was so pathetic. I sometimes wished I was born as black so I could be "true rapper". I mean what the hell I was thinking. Eventually I dropped whole rap thing when I got in high school but man it is so embarrassing.

Other thing was during late middle school I used to be huge pro wrestling fan. I didn't do anything embarrassing really, but time and money I used on watching matches, videos, playing games, learning all wrestling move names and browsing websites feel such waste afterwards. I don't really regret it because when my interest moved to Japanese pro wrestling, I eventually found out about anime and otaku culture.

>>12283
Ten year olds really are top of the world.

Personally I don't regret doing what I did, it's what made me do it that irks me. Imitating my peers for acceptance. I suppose it couldn't be helped, how else would I fit in? In the end I didn't anyway, so what does it matter.

>>12287
I get the occasional memory too.
I usef to cry often too, but about grades, even in class. At the age of 15. I clearly remember one of those times. It was really frightening.

Happened just a few days ago in my speech class. I was forced into it by my parents.

About 15 seconds into my first speech, my mind goes completely blank from anxiety, and I trail off for another 30 seconds. At that point, I'm suppressing my knees from shaking and forcing a smile. Being the idiot I am, I pretended as if I forgot my notes, walked to my seat and pulled a blank sheet of paper from my textbook. Then I proceeded to stand in the front in complete silence for a few more seconds before giving up. As I walked back to my seat in shame, I was trying my hardest to hold back tears. The astonished gazes of everyone in the room are still burned into my memory.

Sometimes I'm able to forget about it for a while, but then the gut-wrenching anxiety hits me. I haven't been able to sleep at all lately.

I don't think I should be alive. If I can't even speak normally in front of a bunch of stupid kids, how could I possibly go anywhere in life?

The worst part is: I have to redo the speech next week. If only I could drop the class.

>>12293
Meant to reply to >>12285

Aside from teenage phases, nothing really. What happened in the past is what formed the person I am today, which I really, really like. Nothing to be embarrassed about.

>>12285
I can't really remember anything from that time (or maybe it's better to say that I don't remember feeling like that). But a while ago I watched a video from my elementary school. They asked everyone what they wanted to be when they grew up, apparently I wanted to become a NEET, I guess I made my dreams come true!

Post edited on 3rd Nov 2012, 6:11am

Just the typical teenage shit: fapping to 3D, writing awful DBZ fanfiction, being an obnoxious evangelical atheist.

I'm so glad I have standards now.

Wouldn't cut my hair.

>>12504
Same here, I thought that my hair would have ended up straight like all the other guys.

I didn't want to straighten it either, since I was afraid of getting laughed at by my mom for using her straightener.

Yes. I had a drug probem, and alienated the shit out of everybody. I was freaking out and incoherent and generally unstable. I was known as the funny guy, and eventually I just stopped being funny. But m not being funny didn't stop me from trying.

>>12281
I was also exactly like this when I was young.

>>12287
I used to be the same, as a kid. I used to bawl my eyes out whenever something had to be replaced. It could be something as big as a car, or as small as getting a new toothbrush. I don't know why I used to get so upset over those kinds of things.
Even to this day, I have these kinds of feelings for inanimate objects, moreso than people. I don't THINK I'm autistic.

I've really enjoyed all the posts in both this thread and the Chuunibyou thread on /an/. It's kind of weird, but the combination of being excited about the Chuunibyou series and being where I am in life now has me really into this. Having spent the last few years inhabiting the eclectic avenues of escapism and sometimes occult fascinations of waifu and imageboard culture (yeah I know, can't think of a better term for it), reverentially revisiting the fantasies of my teenage years seems completely natural. Not that I'm longing for them and want to relive them, it just seems like coming back to the same point in a cycle.

Er, anyways, did anyone else create really awful music or art and show it off thinking it was awesome? I did the typical bedroom project music of the times, recording guitar, drum machine, and vocals to a four-track. The songs themselves weren't that embarrassing, but the vocals... I printed off a bunch of "posters" for my "band" that I made using random pictures that I edited in MS paint, adding in song lyrics and text from the OP of Lain. I hung up the posters in the halls at school and passed out tapes of my music. People didn't know what to make of the posters, and one girl asked me very nervously if I was going to shoot up the school (this was right after Columbine, mind you). The notion that someone, somewhere has one of those tapes still is both hilarious and chilling.

>>12524
Not really music or art, but when I was 12, I wanted to make a video game forum in the hopes that it would make me popular at school. The idea was that I would give everyone a link without them knowing it was me. Then they would join, talk about stuff, and would eventually come to like the admin, whoever that person was. Then I would reveal my real name on the forum once it becomes big enough and people like my online self. That, I assumed, would cause them to like my real self because "hey, it's the guy who made that forum". Of course, I had plans to ban people I didn't like: people who picked on me, dated girls that I liked, etc. Another motive besides popularity was because I was also mad at the people on another forum for closing the retarded threads I would make (which my younger self interpreted as them just being elitist).

Naturally, it got nowhere. By the time I figured out how to make a forum, I was 13, and I didn't care about popularity at school anymore, just having a place where I have power and nobody can call me "noob". Since I was too afraid to advertise it in my signatures on other sites, nobody joined.

Back then I didn't had an inch of control over my temper. Normally this just meant I'd get into fights and arguments regularly, but sometimes, I would get paranoid over some insignifcant bullshit and explode in anger.

I remember one time, in 5th grade I think, while in class, I overheard two kids talking and laughing, and the whole time I was suspicious that they were laughing at me. The suspicion was growing stronger, and so was my anger, until I totally lost control, and right there in the middle of class, I jumped out of my chair, knocked one of the guys to the ground and started chocking and punching him all the while crying and screaming like a madman. Everybody just sat there for a moment, dumbfounded, looking at me while I had this fit of rage as if they were looking at car accident, until the teacher finally came in and dragged me out of the class. They had me sit in an empty room until room until I calmed out. I think I stayed in that room, choking in my tears, for about a hour. They didn't scold me or anything. In fact nobody ever talked about it again. But I don't need to say that people became even more suspicious of me after that.

That wasn't the only incident of this kind, but this is the one that makes me the most ashamed

>>12526
That reminds me of the pokemon RPG invisionfree forums I would make and join as a kid.
Fuck.

Entering 9th grade, I was...really into FF8. Like, super into it. I had just beaten it, and was playing it again, before I entered high-school. And I had just moved to a new town. So my idea was, "I'll just act like Squall, then. Squall's cool. People look up to Squall." Because I was a weird, loser tool at my old school.

Needless to say, I did this for about a week and then realized Squall is a manchild with some deep abandonment issues, essentially. I think I relate to him more now than I did back then, actually, which is ironic.

So yeah. Trying to act like a videogame character in order to gain acceptance from my peers. It wasn't all bad, though. I read Catcher in the Rye that year, and that really changed my view on things.

I was a huge faggot back then. I wish I could change it. Be more open. Happier. This is probably how Squall himself felt over the course of the game...

Then I got into drugs and anime simultaneously, blah blah blah, got a waifu, got into imageboard culture, and so here we are.

>>12540
I think a lot of people can kinda relate to this, especially with the popularity of angsty characters in manga/video games. They exist because some people find them interesting or relate to them on some level and with that, there is bound to be some that want to emulate them.

I have a million stories but alas, this isn't my personal blog. 

I pretended to be an OC from FFX on the playground when FFX first came out. 

I would make up pretend businesses. Airlines, insurance companies, cruise lines, shipping companies, and I would make logos and business cards for them. Sometimes I would even pass them out to my friends. 

I would spend my time outside and use my imagination to come up with History Channel documentaries. One Modern Marvels type thing I did was make up a civilisation with architectural wonders from thousands of years ago, built on the banks of a stream that ran through my property. I made a series of complex dams out of rocks, dirt, and moss. I turned a straight shot of stream that ran quite violently into a serene, cascading series of basins. The results of this are still extant, and to be honest are quite pleasant to look at if I just completely forget the circumstances behind them. Moss has grown on the stones, sand and clay have sculpted onto natural flowing banks, and soil has eroded to make spillways and waterfalls. I had a wabi-sabi mentality long before even knowing about it. I guess I don't regret this at all. 

Also I invented imaginary countries, and two of my friends also did this. We talked about enemies of the states and such. One time I had a civil war. 

Early middle school one of those imagiNations kids and I made shitty ass comics. Our dream was to make a cartoon studio. We would act out scenes like Whose Line, using different voices, on the bus ride to school. We would spend hours on the phone every night, for about two years. The only thing that came out of this besides regret was a person I still have a bond with, ten years after meeting him. 

High school first year I wore a black robe over my clothes and said I was part of a cult. It was in emulation of the black hooded figures scattered throughout Midgar and different cities in FF VII. I nearly failed my Algebra class because I would pass notes with this other kid who wore Tool t-shirts. I have a few of those notes still. 

I also learnt how to write in lower case by writing letters to girls I liked telling them how I felt. There was nothing but rejection, and this is incredibly good. I had no fucking clue what I would do with one, and personal connection was something I didn't understand at all. In fact the one thing that made me want to get a 3DPD was my inflated ego and my competitiveness with my friends. Also an obsessive curiosity of breasts. The best thing anyone could have done for me when I was 14 was give me a flash drive filled with porn so I would stop being so obsessive and become desensitised to sexuality. That's what I get for discovering masturbation at age 10. 

After my first year I eventually just wore random, odd clothing with no explanation and no role play. I also skated through school treating it like an improv stage, which gave the illusion that I wasn't scared shitless of talking to people. My junior year I wore a hachimaki. Most of my clothing was foreign camouflage, West German and Canadian fatigues, and an assortment of military hats. All this worn with blue jeans. I totally looked like a liberal-slanted kid with gay parents. The only thing I really regret from this time was the black robe roleplay thing, and the awkward moment when someone saw me outside school and realised I don't actually dress like "that". It caused me to dress like "that" outside of school, a habit I held until relatively recently. 

Today I still have my stupid project thing, which goes back to the inventing companies thing. I want to make this, I want to make a cool blog. I want to make a social network. My newest thing is I want to make an online radio station with podcasts. I would call it AsobiRajio and Haruhi damnit I haven't fucking changed. 

>>12554
>I would spend my time outside and use my imagination to come up with History Channel documentaries. One Modern Marvels type thing I did was make up a civilisation with architectural wonders from thousands of years ago, built on the banks of a stream that ran through my property. I made a series of complex dams out of rocks, dirt, and moss. I turned a straight shot of stream that ran quite violently into a serene, cascading series of basins. The results of this are still extant, and to be honest are quite pleasant to look at if I just completely forget the circumstances behind them. Moss has grown on the stones, sand and clay have sculpted onto natural flowing banks, and soil has eroded to make spillways and waterfalls. I had a wabi-sabi mentality long before even knowing about it. I guess I don't regret this at all.

There was a creek by the side of our combined Elementary & Middle School. Since it was far away from any teachers, I would bring a hand-spade and a plank of of wood and consruct dams by using branches compounded with dirt, with the board as a placeholder. Then an administrator heard from a kid that I was bringing a hand-spade to school, and I received internal suspensions for a week :3

>I would spend my time outside and use my imagination to come up with History Channel documentaries.

Fucking this. I would (and still) imagine myself as a profesor lecturing on alternate events in history, describing the most minute details about people and places. I also dedicated too much time trying to make a bridge-language between English and Spanish when a chicano at our school jokingly suggested it.

I never was a 2edgy4u fellow or anything of that sort, but there was a brief period in my freshman year that I became a Colonial-boo, and I thought apartheid to be a benevolent system for both whites and blacks, in comparison to modern day SA. I ended up arguing with the history teacher once about it, and from then on I was known as quite a racist fellow. Probably deserved it though.

>>12557
Suspended for bringing a hand-spade to school? What?

>>12554

>I have a million stories but alas, this isn't my personal blog.

Get out, imposter-kun.

>>12562
I'm assuming this was post-Columbine, when everyone got really scared of kids killing kids with weapons. A handspade is "threatening" and you don't really need it for school. So suspension is needed in order to discipline young Anon-kun and teach him that handspades are dangerous weapons and he can seriously hurt himself or worse yet, another person with it.

>>12473

Actually, now that I think about it. There were somethings I'd rather not think about. Maybe they were just tucked deep into the depths of my mind. I guess I can start with age. In elementary, the only thing I can remember that was mildly embarrassing for that age was that I was way too overdramatic. I cared for many people way too much and cried too many times. In middle school, I used to think I was so cool because I knew specific websites that other students didn't know of. I would go onto some hentai websites at the computer lab and leave the page open to that. I would also pretend like I'm hacking something by right clicking and viewing page info/source. I also used to crossdress from time to time because I thought I looked cute. Everyone probably laughed at me but I was too busy looking at my frills to notice. But I guess the most embarrassing thing was letting myself get bullied because I was scared of the consequences. In High School, there was this girl I was stalked because I thought she was pretty and I wanted to be in her kind-of-cool group of friends. Boy, was that embarrassing.

>>12306
Please don't think you're worthless. I did the same thing. Twice, actually. I got into psychadelics afterwards and that really helped me with my problems but fuck, I was literally as socially inept as possible.
If you really want to "go somewhere", then just accept it and don't be afraid to do what you want to because of it.

>>12540
Man, this is a little too familiar. I even dressed like Squall at school; I had a pair of harness boots and wore two large leather belts criss-crossed on my hips, and wore a black leather jacket with white v-necks.

>>12583
This is becoming a theme here.

I was well into high school when FF8 came out. I latched onto Squall too. Forget everyone, I am here by myself and all. And secretly wanting someone to connect with

I still feel like that even now. I am not as obnoxious about it these days though.

Reading this thread brought back a lot of suppressed memories. Some of these posts made me clench my teeth.

>>12601
Keep suppressing them, friend

>>12540
>>12583
I already act like Squall.

I believed in magic and fate and all sorts of weird stuff.
Sometimes I would have random conditions pop into my head, and if I went through with them, something amazing would happen. Write something, tap things a certain number of times, say weird things to no one. I remember wishing on stars a lot. I really sort of miss those feelings, that there was more to the world than... this.