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>once I read a thread about a hikkomori who hadn't left his room in several years. He said that the longer he stayed, the harder it became to come out, because coming out meant admitting he was wrong.
Firstly, I thought:
Shit, I think this is pretty much it. If I was to leave this room behind to "go get back my life", what all these years and abdication of people had been for? What the hell was doing this for, if my best outcome is to admit it was pointless and go back right to were I start, but much older and lonely? No, fuck it, I won't leave this place until something comes up from this or I die, whatever comes first...
But, on a second thought, denial is not what keeps me on this place and state. I have effectively devoted my entire life to something before, even though I could pretty much see, for years, that it was an almost sure deadline. What finally allow me to throw it all away and never come back, was precisely the final conviction that not just what I was doing but the way I was thinking and the values I held were utterly wrong; and for that radical change of mind, what I needed was a totally new refernce or standard to compare with and to move towards (i.e. to finally move forward), which at the time arrived by coincidence as none of what I was doing by will could possibly lead me to it.
So no: if I'm still doing this it's because, inconvenient and suicidal as it may be, there's still nothing that can prove it axiologically wrong... And that sucks, because I really think I want to get the hell out here already, but there's still nowhere to fly to (and I am NOT fucking going back, never, whatever that joyful but provenly wrong past may bring).
What do you think?
Am I wrong, thinking like this?