OP you are like a mini version of me besides the drinking and cutting part (only makes me feel worse. Had terrible experience with alcohol before.) and I'm much much worse. You'll probably feel better about yourself after reading about my life. When I was little through up to the end of middle school I actually wasn't too ignorant though, I had to put on a mask of being ignorant just to get along with people and keep myself out of trouble because if I turned into the monster I am now back then I would probably be somewhere else right now with a even more fucked life with all the rest of the kids that couldn't keep their heads down and ruined their lives early. I never saw innocence in anything, for some reason everything pure and innocent seemed fake to me. Everything either boiled down to sex and violence in my mind. I had friends when I was young up to the end of middle school but stayed pretty distant from them. They all just probably thought I was insane in the back their minds so they slowly drifted away. Whenever we played all I wanted to do is something violent whether it be video games or actually physical. Always beating the shit out of each other for fun didn't last though and sometimes when we were a little older in middle school we would go out places for fun (usually just shopping random places or to the arcade. then back to my place for the night.) but the only thing in the back of mind was sex, sex, and more sex by night. I didn't know what was wrong with me, it was like another me that was just purely logical thought had to step in and make me stop and have genuine emotions not constantly leading to either of those things all the time or I was just going to end up somewhere more horrible. But they never ended, in fact it just kept getting worse in high school causing depression stemming from too much pleasure deprivation when nothing I can do on my own was good enough anymore at the time. So in order to keep myself under control I starved myself a lot, it hurt but calmed my body and mind a bit. Most people didn't want to even go near me and those that did soon regretted it when they saw my true face. I was a psychotic, deprived wreck. I didn't really want to hurt any body I didn't see as an enemy but they would have been if they weren't just like me, so it was probably for the best. Slightly into my first year of high school, I unavoidably got into anime. I was instantly heavily attracted to all the "cute" ones for pretty obvious reasons. And so that was my entrance into the land of all things Japanese/otaku, everything from the place just went with me like cookies and milk. The entertainment felt like it was made just for me. It all accompanied me throughout high school. Around the 2nd year in high school I was still heavily depressed for my same old reasons. I saw in the store a Rockstar energy drink and bought it because I was thirsty and the can was very large one weekend night. I loved it and this though small was my entrance into the beauty of my favorite kind of drugs now, stimulants. Extremely powerful energy drinks and strange custom extra strength orders of drinks from the coffee shop I would get weird looks from just buying were now my best friends along with my perverted various Japanese shit I just loved. It's what kept me alive, like a walking corpse but hey I'm alive. I then started getting into music a lot of all kinds which also helped me through high school to keep a long story short. After high school was over with me only getting worse as nothing seemed to help anymore. I formed another obsession, breaking and burning things. Every weekend I would go outside with my father to cut and smash things to burn later. Little did he know it wasn't because I wanted to help. This now satisfies my violent urges quite well. As for my strange what most would view disgusting sexual obsessions that no sane person would fill my desires for, I had to go a bit farther. Various sex toys, lube, and certain clothing objects of my fetishes became top things I wanted to buy. I do it all online, so no one knows the cringe inducing extent to which I went to satisfy myself. And this is my life up till now. Even my own reaction to looking over my life and all I desire is simply "how horrifying". I need to hide and mask myself as something else for my own safety.