sorry for engrish, non native speaker here
Any single disapproving from anybody will insta-make me want to kill myself here and now. This is really terrible feeling. Sometimes when memories float up and i'm alone i clench my fists, scrape the face. I understand those who are finding escape in causing physical pain to themselves.
If i do something wrong in public, if someone will look down at me with a reason, express despise i will try to escape immediately, this pain will be slow.
If someone will ridicule me, troll or bully like in school (didn't experience this quite for a long time) i will act like a school clown, acting like i'm actually okay with this, indulging their ridiculing. Though while under such treatment i feel like in fog, completely paralyzed. Memory of this type will last for years and cause long-lasting changing of mood