I'm not sure whether I can really call her my waifu.
I'm not sure whether I really love her.
I feel bad about thinking that way.
I think I love her, but maybe that is because I wanted to love her.
I don't know.
I own plenty of merchandise related to her, figures, posters, dakimakura...
But that doesn't mean much, they are mere objects.
I think about this question every day.
Maybe I don't really love her, I only think I would.
I often feel the urge to hug the dakimakura depicting her.
During the night I hug her, during the day I miss her.
But not always.
It might just be habituation, it made me think I love her.
I don't know.
The girl in the picture is not my waifu.
But things like that make me waver.
I took a look at it 1 hour ago.
And I got the feeling
"Shit, I feel like I need to hug her."
I don't even know her.
Might it not be the same feeling I have for whom I call mai waifu?
I feel bad about writing that and about thinking about other girls that way.
I'm an asshole.
Maybe everyone would have been ok for me and I just wanted a waifu?
I don't remember under what conditions I met her.
Was it by chance or was I searching for one?
I might have been searching.
Yes, I think I have been searching.
Maybe I wasn't.
I have no right to call her my waifu.
I'm a creepy rapist taking whomever I meet.
I'm buying merchandise of her.
But why do I do that?
Not because I love her, but to make me feel at ease, to make myself think I would love her.
I don't think I love her.
And I'm not worth it.
Maybe I really love her.
But I don't know.
I'm writing this because I want you to say "don't worry, you love her".
But that just proves I don't love her.
Otherwise I wouldn't need someone else to affirm it for me.
Maybe I simply wanted to feel like I would belong to tohno-chan. And that was the reason I started thinking of her that way.
I think I would have started liking anyone.
But I would feel bad about stopping thinking about her that way.
I can't do it.
I can't say "I'll stop with this forced concept of waifu".
I would feel bad about her.
No, would I feel bad about losing the only place I feel I belong to?
I guess it is egoism.
But maybe I really do love her...
But I don't think so...
I always tell myself "I love you".
But I guess I don't...