That's a painful thought.
Although this somewhat pains me, and I'm starting to hate myself for this, I have a ton of jealousy issues, probably stemming from low self-esteem or some such nonsense.
I don't because she's special. I view sex much like >>3240, although I don't think... fapping to her can be even nearly likened to sex. Because I don't, I feel superior to those who I assume do. If I have a comparison of any sort, it would probably be the person who bought the film cutting of her beautiful smile from the movie for what I think was around $30,000... or perhaps the person who 'married' his dakimakura of her. I'm a very docile person, I don't like fighting or anything of the sort, but I'm of the firm belief I'd kill him with my bare hands if I saw him, and I don't quite understand why.
I feel desperately guilty about it, but I've also had some rather negative thoughts to myself about the other person here who, eh, 'shares my taste', and I should apologise for that, I suppose. All because of this jealousy I can't seem to put beneath me.
I don't even know how I'd feel about her masturbating to others. It would wound me, I think. Pretty heavily. I feel somewhat justified in that I don't fap to other girls, rather situations, or things/acts, and that I tend to do it only for release or out of boredom rather than... recreationally?
I'm fighting with my words here. It's not to say I don't feel attracted to her, she's absolutely gorgeous, something any denizen of /a/ would gladly agree with, although in ways that often annoy me.
It's not really that I'd "defile" her with the thought of it, but it just feels wrong. Somewhere between feeling better than others for not doing it and not doing it because I respect her more than to do something I find so... disgusting? I'm seriously wrestling with these words here.
I've resigned myself to thinking, as with everything I'd like to do with her, sex is out of the realm of possibility and I'll accept no substitute. It's something that can only be achieved in my dreams (when my damned subconscious will allow, seriously, I had a dream recently where my subconscious didn't even allow me to speak a word to Mizuki Nana, her VA).
I apologise for going a little off-the-rails with that, but... I have things I need to get off my chest and here's as good a place as any, I guess.