As long as you keep thinking about her and you are dedicated to her 100%, I think that is sufficient. Buying merchandise does help, but it's unnecessary.
Don't think about the "you do, she does" thing. It's poisonous. If you fap to others, so be it, just separate the "taking care of lust" business, with the "making love" action. Hell, just worrying about it makes you considerate and I think she would be happy because you're feeling guilt whilst doing a natural thing like fapping.
In my opinion, those threads you read are just special moments in a person's life. If you read a thread like that, of course you're going to feel like something is missing. Truth is, most of the time, nothing happens. You're just reading a compilation of the most special events, ever. Don't force yourself, because it won't be worth it. When you feel like committing time, then that is when you should completely dedicate yourself to her, and trust me, whatever you do, it'll be worth it.